An end has a start

In these days as another year goes by since he has been gone I only see the tunnel I'm entering. It's the same every year. I can feel it coming up, closing in, the dark hole enlarging and making room for me. It is the knowing of what was coming in the days before he left this world.

It's not the actual 12th of April but the run up to this day. As today unfolds it is when I start to head towards  the light at the end of the tunnel.  Last year was monumental to me with the number 15, a milestone and my favourite number together. I still walk past that wall most days (read here: Mine and his fifteen). This year is the sixteenth year and I'm not sure of the words I want to write here to be honest. Every year I wonder, but this year I wander. It is like a swirling wilderness of scattered letters this week unlike other years, there but around in the dark. I am feeling my way out of the tunnel of this week through to today. An end has a start. So I have to keep on moving in life like all my family has to. I have a hockey match to play tomorrow and I really hope I can score a goal so I can dedicate it to him, despite him or my mother having never seen me play a match in all the years, at least just to honour him in a way I know how. I want to celebrate a win and with a goal.

And that way I will celebrate and honour him and his life. Because that is how I choose to see this day out every year once I come out of the tunnel.